Thoughts on 2012

I am at that stage already and there are still at least two and a half weeks left, but I'm reflecting.  2012 was, in many ways, the same as the years that came before it: ups, downs, joy, tears, success and failures.  I'm finding as I get older I appreciate all of these moments in some way - even if it's just that I still have the ability to feel pain and recover.  One overall theme of my 2012 was transition.

My year started full of anxiety, stress and fear.  The last couple years raising a teenage boy who was struggling was hard, to say the least.  Probably the hardest couple of years I've ever had.  My primary goal aside from providing for and protecting my family was to get my baby over the graduation stage. There were moments I didn't think it would happen. I was an insurance broker by day and a self-appointed officer of the law by night.  Where is my teenager, who is he hanging out with, has he done what he's supposed to do AND am I also showing him a right amount of love and affection or am I just 100% hard ass all the time?  There were times it was hard to shake one role for the other. And days I didn't think I was going to make it.  June came around and he did it.  It was one really close call but he graduated.  That was a proud moment.

Within two weeks of graduation, my son, daughter (then 8) and I piled in to his 1999 Honda Civic and drove to Alaska.  My kids and I tackled an adventure together that took us through British Columbia to the Yukon Territory where we slept in the car one night for the 3 hours of twilight the Northern Territories actually gets.  We saw grizzly bears and moose along the AlCan and finally arrived to our Anchorage destination.  I helped my son settle in his new summer digs.  He learned about hard work with manly men and packed his own lunches.  He came home a changed person and a young man that made me even more proud than the day he graduated.  I saw glimpses of the man he's becoming and this alone helped me to lay aside so much of the anxiety I had been feeling.  He's a work in progress, as we all are.  Finding his path like we all have to do.

I will leave 2012 behind and remember how I fought for my son and all the people who were there for us.  I am thankful that in a span of 12 months, life can change from anxiety and fear to peace and faith.  I am thankful for this moment of rest.  I have a new brother-in-law and nephew!  This year my family and I have new, fond memories and a different sort of trust in one another.  We went to war and left no one behind.  I look ahead to 2013 with great expectations: great success at work, more happy memories with my children, new strength for struggles that will come and an open heart for new adventures.  My quest continues to be a great mother, a faithful friend and an awesome contributor in my workplace all while truly loving this life I'm gifted with.

Graduating and Carbs

I don't jump on the bandwagon of diet fads and quick fixes.  I've avoided cleanses for the most part because it's a little too "dramatic" and inconvenient.  However, I've been seeing numerous friends on Facebook and people in my gym I consider athletes, talking about Advocare.  I hit a plateau that's been discouraging and frustrating.  For all my efforts in the gym and my diligence about clean food, I just haven't been able to break it.  I did online research because I don't think any jump start in the world is worth ingesting things that aren't good for you.  I was pleasantly surprised so on the wagon I jumped.  My friend and I have taken the 24 Day Challenge together.

It's a great combination of portion control and metabolism boosting, small, frequent meals.  It's supplements along with lots of veggies, a fair amount of fibrous fruit, healthy fats and lean proteins.  I've been able to cut way back on the coffee but interestingly enough, sans the headache, I find I miss my morning ritual more than the caffeine.  I may save a small fortune on this challenge though!  My apologies to Howard Schultz.

I'm toward the end of the 24 days and feel noticeably different.  I've lost around 6 pounds and have slimmed out but there are still a couple areas that could be slimmer.  I'm continuing with the food plan because the portion sizes and frequency work and it just makes sense.  Not listed as a side effect, but I swear to you, I smell macaroni and cheese everywhere I go.  I'm pretty sure the lack of simple carbs has turned me in to a fiend of sorts.  When I do decide to have a cheat, you can guess what's on the top of my list!

I'm feeling great and with life's transitions...  My son graduated from high school and is on his way to Alaska to work for the summer - I'm managing well.  This business of sending your kids in to the world is much scarier and difficult than I imagined.  While I joked about having suitcases ready for him at graduation, there is this other part of me that wants to hold on to this ankles and beg him not to go.  Alas, in the true spirit of parenting, I've done what I'm supposed to do.  I've prepared my child.  "Be nice to people!" and "Use your manners."  He can do laundry and bake a potato in the microwave.  He understands they sell toilet paper and toothpaste at the store and that car insurance is a monthly cost ("EVERY MONTH, MOM?!?!?").  Now is the time to have faith in that foundation that was built, take a deep breath and watch my baby fly.  Bump and fly perhaps.  I'm looking forward to the next chapter and watching a bit anxiously to see what happens for my firstborn.  Always, always his loudest and MOST enthusiastic cheerleader.  I also can't say this enough:  Having raised him as a single mom, I am so, SO thankful to all the people who have been there along with the way. Some here or there.  Some the whole road.  I could not have done this without them.  They make the "single" part of the mom title unnecessary.  Way too many people to name but I love each and every one of them.  My heart is full.

I fell in the trap of letting the blog peter out. Not because I didn't have anything to say but  because I have so MUCH to say and I wasn't sure how much was too much. A few people have been asking about this which helped confirm - I need to be sharing something!

Over the last couple years, my world has changed. Professionally, I joined an incredible firm with wonderful people who have made me feel valued as a human being.  I have been able to grow while taking care of myself and my two favorite people in the whole world.  Along the way, I gained good perspective and am finally ready to share some.   This blog will not be all about exercise and food
but since these things are important to me, it will make frequent appearances!   There will be more ramblings about kids and the challenges of parenting a young adult.  There will be a lot of mention
of volunteer time I'm spending with the Seattle chapter of American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

I mentioned in a posting a while ago about my friend who chose to leave....  Her unexpected departure was a suicide and this was the event that changed my world.  My long silences were in part because I choked on these words and didn't know how to write about this thing that occupies so many of my thoughts and challenged all my beliefs.  She was a beautiful, smart, generous, accomplished woman. All the things I hope I am and will be. She was the first woman to teach me the industry I love. She said she saw great things in me and I believed her. In many ways she helped me leave the "girl" behind and become the woman I was meant to be.  I have always wanted her to be proud of and more so now.
She invested in me and I want to honor the meaningful way she lived and not the tragic way she died.  She dedicated a lot of time to community services that were important to her. If by talking about her, AFSP and depression will do anything at all to remove some stigma from these words - then I will feel something good is being squeezed out of something so incredibly devastating.  The world isn't the same without her and I miss her daily.

I'm not trying to fix the world here but let's talk about taking good care of ourselves, being grateful for things that are good and encouraging one another. This life thing is so much better when we do it together.

This healthy running is DANGEROUS!

As I challenged myself to conquer my hatred of running, I encountered road blocks. Or maybe I should call it lack of proper education. Insert big sigh here. I started having knee pain and after talking with a co-worker who runs marathons, I decided to do what I should have done before. Go see someone who knows what the heck they are talking about. Google running stores in your community to find one. I went to this great running store named Run 26. I went in with purpose. Inserts. Trent said I should look at inserts. The cute guy at Run 26 said we should probably start with a gait analysis. "A whaaaa?"

What I discovered is the wise runners among us have had someone analyze their gait in order to determine if you have a neutral gait, over pronate, or under pronate. To add to the excitement, running shoes are designed for these specific gaits and THEN if you need an insert, well you’re in luck there too.

I left Run 26 that day with a fancy pair of Mizunos. I thought I had done my research on shoes but this goes to show you should talk to the experts before venturing out. Cute Guy was also kind enough to check out the callous on the bottom of my foot. Yes, I did show him. (We were talking about running troubles after all. I had no idea a callous could be so painful and I’m on an HSA plan, so I try to do some troubleshooting on my own first.) Cute Guy said these shoes will make me run faster. I strapped these little pieces of heaven on and logged 4 miles. I do believe he’s right!

Here are some great resources I’ve found in my search for a pain free run. If you’d like to get out there with summer looming and goals to meet, I encourage you to check these out:

www.coolrunning.com www.runnersworld.com http://www.sportsinjuryclinic.net/cybertherapist/general/gait_analysis.php

Overcoming the things most hated....

So if I set goals, I’m supposed to actually work on it, right? 

So I am.  Working on it. I’m going to run a 10k this year but thought I should simply start running because I'm a terrible runner.  I actually hate it. I know people who run rain or shine. Many of these same friends run half marathons for "fun".

Not me. I want to run a 10k  just to prove I can.  It bothers me to hate something so much that I avoid it and have to force myself to finish. Right now, running is something that kicks me square in the butt and I'd like to have the upper hand.

So I will run until I don't hate it anymore. I ran 3 miles for the first time in weeks on Saturday.  I’m thanking God that I haven't committed myself to a date for the 10k yet.  Cardio has always been a weakness.  I don't enjoy it as much which means I don't do as much as I should and my running time is somewhat humiliating.   

One thing I love about being fit/getting fit?  There are no short cuts to getting there.  Which means the only option aside from giving up is sucking it up and doing the work! 

Go here for tips on a happier run:

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/fitness/beginning-running

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/fitness/running-tips-beginners-guide

Here is great guidance on picking out the right shoes!

http://www.therunningadvisor.com/running_shoes.html

My New Place . . .

This blog post has been a long time coming.  I’ve been struggling and then struggling on sharing this deep part of myself with others.  I’ve had some sort of idea about the content but the words wouldn’t come in a way that felt right.  I found the words running not long ago and have been sitting on this ever since.

Wellness isn’t just about the gym or food. Those things are important but you can spend an inordinate amount of time on these and be dying on the inside.  The past several months I’ve struggled with my inside wellness.  I’m not as far along on the goals I set for myself because I encountered setbacks.  Setbacks that for a while I feared might get the best of me.  The death of someone I love and that she chose to die.  A betrayal from someone I loved and the heartbreak of being discarded.  The ongoing challenges of raising two kids and the loneliness that comes from doing that alone. There is stress of being a sole provider and carrying a lot of work responsibility. I have wrestled with many dark things over the past year and hidden most of it from the people who know and love me best.  Sure, they knew some but they have no idea how bad it was and that’s best.  In my grief, anger, questions, heartbreak and FEAR I was literally brought to my knees.  For the first time in a very long time I was listening to my spirit and wanting THAT part of me to be healthy.

The point of this isn’t to be preachy but encouraging.  In my soul searching and asking God many  questions, I came to several conclusions.

There is no person in this world, no matter how much they love you and vice versa who can make you feel more loved, more treasured and more valued than the One who created you. 

Life isn’t fair.  “The rain falls on the just and the unjust.” – Matthew 5:45. It’s something everyone has in common.  Bad things happen and you weren’t meant to face them without God. 

I haven’t been given the Spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7).  I HAVE been given the gifts of tenacity, perseverance and the heart of a warrior.  You didn’t give it to me and you can’t take it away.  No one and I mean no one has the power to knock me off course, ruin my day or determine my worth. 

If you’ve been knocked off course, have just enough courage to get to your knees.  As Chris Hill said – and I love this – “You may have to use what you have left but what you have left is more than enough.”  Life doesn’t get to just happen to you.  No matter your heartbreak, your loss, your setback, your mistakes – Jesus ain’t afraid!  In fact, He knew it would happen and He’s made a way for you.  I love the story from Mark 4 when Jesus and the disciples were crossing the lake in a boat.  There was a storm and the waves were crashing around them and water was flooding the boat.  Jesus was still asleep.  He was calm because He was in control and He already had a plan.  I have thought on this many times in the last few months. 

I have remembered Pastor Cheryl Haskins who stood in front of our church exactly one week after her husband, Pastor Aaron died suddenly.  She said that God was still good and she was still praising Him.   As we struggle with life’s challenges, it’s important we do the same.  We need to have a faith in something bigger than ourselves.   When we don’t have that hope and faith in something grander than ourselves, we can become fat, depressed, bitter and angry.  We take it out on those we love the most. That’s really no way to live at all.  I’m focusing on something much greater and have found my path again.  It is well with my soul.  How are you?

Practical Food Tips that Help Me...

Anyone who has conquered weight or enjoys the rewards of a fit body will tell you, the food you eat is at least 80% of your overall success.  Some great food tips no matter what your goals are:

- Set reasonable expectations and know it may be a month or more before you or others notice changes.

- Eat every 3 to 4 hours.   Yes, it requires planning (see next point), but it will help you avoid over eating as well energy dips and spikes through out the day.

- Plan ahead.   If you're going to eat healthy, you're going to have to bring meals with you. I spend time every Sunday evening roasting chicken or turkey, boiling eggs, cooking quinoa and slicing up veggies so that eating well during the work week is easy. If it's not easy, you won't do it . . .

- Deal with food cravings by not depriving yourself. Instead of having a whole bar of chocolate, have a square of dark chocolate. Have a splurge meal once a week, just be sure the splurge doesn’t include the whole pizza or the whole pint of ice cream.  This is a great time to practice moderation.

- Shop the perimeter in the grocery store. All the fresh vegetables, fruits and meats are on the perimeter. Once you get inside, that’s where all the processed, high fat and high sodium foods are.

- Everyone is going to eat out. Read up to make sure you know what’s really okay. Some people swear by “Eat This, Not That!”

Need food guidance? Here are some links to good resources and recipes:

www.bodyforlife.com

www.cleaneatingmag.com

www.weightwatchers.com